When did this change happen to me from my mother tongue to another language ? Did it slowly happen in the place I grew up ? (or) Did it happen after I moved out of my native for study / work ? (or) After I moved abroad few years back ? Nowadays even my thinking happens in English, dreaming happens in English and sometimes in Malayalam. I have forgotten most of the prayers that I learnt in Tamil when I used to be a boy. Is it because I don't speak the language often ? (or) Have I deviated from the formal way of how (I was taught) to pray and leaning towards the one power and silent prayers ? So many questions that constantly pop-up in my head when I think about this. Coincidentally even the keyboard I’m using to type this blog itself has changed from the usual English layout to Deutsch (German) layout 😳. So many changes, but I don’t feel different inside. It’s still the same me.
I am not worried or have a percent of regret for the position that I am in at this point of life. I had always been this curious young kid open to new challenges, the only constant even now. I learnt to write and read Malayalam during COVID 19 season (There were multiple things that I did productively during this time 😁). I can even read official documents, Bible in Malayalam. It was so handy when I was able to read all the land and building related documents for our new home during the construction phase in Malayalam. The ability to do this with very minimal support from others in itself is a fascinating story. This very curiosity is what I am trying to find in my goal towards learning German. As Pappa (My Father-in-law) used to say, learning a new language is an art and it is a very good skill to possess. In my words, learning a new language is like falling in love all over again ❤️
Throughout my life the one trend I hate is the groupism (if that is a word 😏) toward language. Once you speak a new / different language you are looked different. Especially within India when you start speaking a new regional language you have learnt recently, the old friends and relatives they start thinking that you are leaving behind the old one and taking sides. And the people who see you speaking the language with an accent, it is always a constant question about where are you from ? what is your background ? how come you are here or speaking this new language ? It is easy to tag you as an outsider or an ungrateful person. Sometimes it feels like you don’t belong anywhere. But this doesn’t bother me much because it gives me a solid reason to leave behind friendships, because for me anything that is pulling me down is a negative energy. Growing up it was the same because of the geographical location of my native. Within our district we used to speak different languages, different accents based on which area of the district you are from (the coastal area, the border area or the town area). When you just cross the border of the district or go to a bigger city nearby you are constantly tagged as an outsider. I was that person who used to have more outsider Friends 😁 May be this is in my Gene 😁
I have been in the two ends of this. I have given convincing reasons to show that I’m not an outsider to get a sense of belonging and sometimes I have questioned people why they are different. I’m not a saint by any means. But at some point in my life it all became overwhelming for me and now I am in a better place. But there are still situations where I walk a thin line while answering questions on where I am from without sounding arrogant nor sounding helpless. I have opened up only to my closest ones about this vulnerable part of me before writing this blog. But writing this feels so much relaxed.
Let me make something clear. The love for Malayalam and its (Kerala’s) culture is as much as I love my wife. I cannot even express how much proud I’m to be called a Mallu (half mallu). The love for my Tamil is as much as I love my mom. I somehow feel that these two cultures and languages are intertwined. The love for English is as much as my love for food (btw I’m a foodie 😬) I feel like it is like something that is a basic need and not a luxury. The love for Deutsch is something that I’m trying to cultivate. It’s like an arranged marriage where you learn to appreciate and adapt with time. The relationship with Hindi is like that of a college enemy, you hate him for no reason but admire him silently and regret that you were friends. It is difficult to learn Hindi now because I am not using it nor have a need to learn. But it is something that I will learn soon 😊
Sometimes I used to have random thoughts and have this habit of connecting random dots that life throws at me. It cannot be a co-incidence that my grandfather wrote all his medical records (scriptures) in Malayalam even though my native place was split from Kerala and linked to Tamil Nadu years back. The fact that I have taken his family name to be my family name now must be destiny. The fact that my dad lived few years in Kochi and even died here feels surreal. My home is here, my son is a born Mallu (not a half-mallu like me). All this feels like things falling in place automatically in a Tetris game.
As an expat who doesn’t know the language we face a lot of struggles on a day to day basis. But looking back, this struggles had been there even in my native too. My mom who used to be an English Teacher had to change her signature to the native language due to official reasons 😳. I could look back and say this is destiny and cringe or I could accept the fact that this is me the one and only unique me. I know life will always throw new challenges at me. Not because I'm unlucky but because I chose to be the adventurer.
Appreciate for being here and thank you for your time. If you are interested in reading my thoughts and life experiences, please check out the blog section in my website for more.
July 2024
Chottanikkara, Kerala
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